i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
