I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
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And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
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Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize