I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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