So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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