I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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