Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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