whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
