half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
