where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
