so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
