decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
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