Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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