I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
