nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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