your parents love me but you hate me
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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