You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
