im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
