Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
