She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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