He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i dont even know how to be here
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Let's get the cat blown out
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
