I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
