The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm experimenting with sincerity
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
