Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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