Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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