I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
