I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
