Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
