Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Randomize
