So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
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She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
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He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize