I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize