does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
