get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
