I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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