I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
