i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
We are all done wearing pants today
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
