I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
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