it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
