Girls should come with a carfax report
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
