I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My vagina is officially offended.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
