I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
