I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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