so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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