Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
