i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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