dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
