Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
