1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
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