Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
and i looked up. we had an audience...
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
