if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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