everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
