I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i was born a porn star she said
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
