I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
