at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
