neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
