i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
