I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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