Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
