So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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