I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Randomize
