this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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