my sisters under your porch take her home
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
