i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
