I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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