we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
